Session Three
From pages 210 -212 (Sept. 1942), and 40 - 64 (August- November 1941) . While we are reading the book sequentially in these early sessions we will first take a look at a few pages from late in the diary in order to ground ourselves in a sense of where Etty is headed, that is, her spiritual destination.
Pages 210-212 - by September of 1942 Etty has become crystal clear on the primacy of love and deeply committed to not adding “even one atom of hatred” to the atmosphere around her. This is truly remarkable as her fate is most certainly sealed by the Nazis. In this passage she has a striking conversation with her friend Klaas about working on our own inner demons instead of demonizing others.
Page 40 - Etty is back home in Deventer with her mother, father, and brothers. It is a miserable atmosphere with shouting and dysfunction.
She’s trying hard not to let them all get her down. It’s not working.
She writes “accept your inner conflicts” as she desperately tries to calm her own inner storm.
It’s not working until….a long walk in the dark finds her inner self emerging. She is aware of her own inner turmoil, thoughts and feelings, as an inner witness.
“I felt like an old Jew wrapped up in a cloud.”
P. 43 - a sudden awareness that she likes everybody
God dwells within her. She seems to become of aware of her own false self/true self dichotomy.
Then suddenly she is unhappy again.
She offers a wonderful riff on the moon: “The moon wasn’t born yesterday. No doubt he has looked down on plenty of characters like me, seen a thing or two.”
Etty is drawn to S., but also knows she shouldn’t be. She is aware that many women are drawn to him and that he is engaged.
She has been feeling sad and ill. Life is a full body blow to Etty time and time again b/c she is so sensitive and passionate and ambitious to “know and be aware of everything.”
Page 52 - Etty gives us a glimpse of the clearing which she will soon break into - “Life is worth living. God, you are with me afterall, if only a little bit.”
She muses “if i live by my own inner lights I shall probably never marry.”
Then, “I have a sort of primitive love and primitive sympathy for people, for all people.”
There is a universal love for all creation being born in Etty. She belongs to the ages.
October 24 Etty notes - “Tonight new measures against the Jews.”
November 10 and 11 - Etty is feeling fear, panic, lack of self-confidence and great disturbance about relationships with men. Should she devote herself to one man for life? Her inner turmoil continues.
Etty is inspired to write a story about a girl who learned to pray. The girl who could not kneel, she will call it. It is surely a story inspired by her own. She longs to know God and learn to be in a loving relationship with God.
Pages 62-62 - a major breakthrough on a nighttime bicycle ride through “cold, dark Lairessestraat. She surrenders herself, her life, her will to God. She pledges herself to a life lived out in the world out among the people.